Getting Carded

Cutesy greeting cards are nothing new. Indeed, it would be unusual to find a shelf of the pre-fab missives anywhere that didn't include at least a few offering sentiments so darling as to make any self-respecting curmudgeon want to hurl destructive items—or at least epithets—vigorously in their direction . . . or maybe just hurl. It's not just the syrupy, small-town corn, it's also the marshmallowy, generic writing. But so be it. Different strokes and all that. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with cutesiness. (I just experienced a small involuntary shudder.) And while the Curmudgeon detests all but the very cleverest puns, puns are inevitable in the world of greeting cards—de rigueur, even.

But lately, it seems the bar for puns has sunk to a level so low, its only neighbor is Atlantis. I don't know what kind of memo went out to the Association of Greeting Card Sentiment Writers (AGCSW), but it's almost as if they were all given the same stupid directive: give us the most strained, un-clever puns you can come up with. I present evidence from a recent trip to the card store:

Whoever created these painful groaners should feel deeply ashamed. It's appalling to think that these "writers" might have actually been paid for their work. Puns this bad can only elicit responses that are tolerant at best, homicidal at worst. Have they no decency, at long last? I'd thought to end this week's rant with a bad pun of my own, but I simply refuse. I'd rather leave you without a clever ending than put you through it. So that's all from me until next week.