The Weekly Curmudgeon
some of our Policies
The Weekly Curmudgeon is an ongoing series of diatribes designed to tell people what they're doing wrong. Our writing staff (by which we mean one grouchy middle-aged discontent typing from a recliner in his living room) staunchly believes in an imagined set of commonly held rules by which all Americans used to abide—time-honored protocols addressing everything from social interactions to grammar—many of which have now, sadly, been all but abandoned. This golden age of ethics and nice manners was probably some time in the 50s . . . or maybe in the 70s. It doesn't matter. We made it up. (Once again, by "we," we mean I.)
While The Curmudgeon celebrates our undeniable progress in
areas such as technology and civil rights, it bemoans our disgraceful decline in many others, such as accuracy, logic, common decency, and not being unbearably stupid. We've gotten shockingly bad at that last one.
The Curmudgeon is committed to its founding principles of unapologetic snobbery, grouchiness, intolerance, snark, and absolute, inflexible legalism when it comes to those good, old-fashioned basics that make this world a happier place to live. If you charge onto elevators before allowing others to exit, talk during movies, share bodily functions in public, and spell things however you damn well please, then you are a classless ruffian and an enemy of decorum. And we'll be more than happy to point out these flagrant violations.
There's no need for thanks.
. . . Just clean up your act.
The Weekly Curmudgeon
Civilized people aspire to accuracy, propriety and good reputations.
Shame is necessary.
There is no talking during shows or movies. Ever.
The expression is "I couldn't care less."
Those who interact with the public are supposed to look at them and speak to them.
An argument won without logic and reason is an empty victory.
u, b, c, 4, 2 ur, thx, gr8, ty, lol, fwiw, imho, k, and so forth are not words, and should never be used as such, regardless of the context.
Nothing can be called "world-famous" unless it is.
Certain activities are only to be conducted in private.
Only a filthy pig leaves the restroom without washing his hands.
It's pronounced like it's spelled: espresso.
The rules of grammar, spelling, punctuation and usage are subject to neither whim nor opinion. These are the tools of communication, and as such, should be honored and faithfully practiced, rather than resented or scoffed at.
There is great joy to be found in propriety.