It's Spring, Damn It

Greetings, one and all.

If you’re a regular reader of The Weekly Curmudgeon, then you already know how much I hate to complain. Some less experienced readers may take issue with that statement. They may even ask incredulously, “But isn’t this entire blog about complaining? Isn’t that its entire raison d'être?” It is indeed (and my compliments on your French). But I do not write The Weekly Curmudgeon because I enjoy complaining; it’s just that there is so much to complain about, so much behavior in need of correction, so many things that ought to be different, that I am practically compelled to point them out. I mean, someone has to do it. Who better than me, an individual with an unimpeachable grasp of the way things ought to be? Believe me, nothing would please me more than running out of topics. But they just keep coming.

This week, for example, I feel forced to take issue with the current utterly incorrect weather.

Look, it’s April 1st. On March 20th, it officially became spring. Can anyone explain why I’m still wearing a winter coat and braving 26° weather? I have double- and triple-checked my calendar, and I can say with complete confidence that according to the schedule, winter is over. And your Curmudgeon is more than a bit miffed by the delay in what should be the attendant climate. This just isn’t how spring is done.

(If you live in a location that isn’t currently subject to this offense, then obviously this week’s column isn’t for you. So please go outside and enjoy your damned weather, knowing that many of us deeply resent you.)

Now, at a time of year when we should all be happily strolling through a park somewhere listening to chirping birds and enjoying the sight of budding flowers as some jaunty fellow happily strums a ukulele, we are instead holing up inside our homes and cranking up the heat. Any thinking person can see how wrong this is. The other day, I spotted a forecast for snow—snow, ladies and gentlemen. Luckily, that forecast was amended, but even still, the very idea is a violation of basic decency. I have no objection to winter, so long as it remains within the winter months. Winter in April is utterly improper and, frankly, rather rude. I have a good mind to file a strongly worded complaint with the appropriate authorities.

Look, I don’t mean to be unreasonable, but consider: Aren’t we already going through enough? What with all the corruption, confusion, partisan bickering, indictments, cover-ups, conspiracies, punishing new tax laws, violence, mayhem, chaos, bad grammar, and TV show cancellations, exactly how much are we expected to bear? At least give us spring. At least that. At least give us the comfort of seasons that adhere to their appointed schedule. I hardly think that’s too much to ask.

If any of you are in communication with the responsible parties, please forward to them the following message:

Stop it. It’s spring, damn it. Quit messing around.