Sick Fun

It would hardly be a fresh observation to say that these are strange times we’re living in. With people walking around wearing masks, lining up outside businesses awaiting admittance, locking themselves in their homes, and participating in virtual gatherings via computer, and with infection numbers one would only expect to read about in science fiction, the whole thing brings to mind some sort of futuristic 1980s disaster movie. Stranger still is how normal that’s all begun to feel. But as I say, none of this is a revelatory perspective. And I’d like to think my readers expect more from the Curmudgeon than simple restatements of what has already been stated.

Fortunately, there is a bright side in the way we’ve been able to cheer each other up with a vast variety of attractive and entertaining masks. Forget those boring old medical masks that do no more than slow the spread of disease; what a waste! These days, statement masks are all the rage. It began with homemade creations fashioned from leftover fabrics in patterns ranging from plain to zany to complement any outfit. Now, thanks to manufacturers who’ve jumped on the personalized-mask bandwagon, the choices are endless. There are funny masks, like the ones that show big cartoony teeth or an animal snout, professional-looking ones that are just perfect for the boardroom, and even fashionable wedding masks for brides, grooms, and guests. There are masks that display company logos, favorite products, political messages, even the name of your local socially distanced bowling league. It’s made this whole pandemic situation a lot of fun, hasn’t it?

If you're a person of faith who's determined to keep attending those ill-advised services, fear not; you've not been forgotten by the industry. There are Catholic masks, Protestant masks, Jewish masks, Muslim masks, you name it.

But why stop there? With all the mask pizzaz on offer, one wonders why no one has thought to decorate other medical devices. The makers of nitrile and latex gloves, for example, haven’t made even so much as a minimal effort to be creative. Why not gloves with monster hands, bird claws, or fake painted fingernails? How about some that look like boxing gloves, or catchers’ mitts? Wouldn’t that be a hoot?

And what about walkers? Who do we speak to about getting them jazzed up in a variety of fashionable colors with a place for bumper stickers bearing funny messages like “I’m walking here!” or “You should see the other guy!”?

What about those hazmat suits? Dull, dull, dull. Where is it written that a hazmat suit can’t be made to look like those funny cartoon minions, or an old west gunslinger? How about a sexy French maid design? Or NASCAR pit crew overalls? Now we’re talking.

And you know those folks who have to wheel around their own oxygen tanks? Well don’t they deserve some self-expression too? Why has no one thought to offer personalized oxygen tanks emblazoned with pithy sayings or sports mascots? Or wouldn’t it be a riot if they could get tanks designed to resemble hot dogs, or maybe tall skinny top hats? What the hell, let’s do something about those boring gurneys while we’re at it. Surely, they could be made to look like a toboggan or Aladdin’s magic carpet. You see, I offer these ideas free of charge. They just come to me. Someone at these medical equipment companies is falling down on the job and missing out on the whole worldwide disease fashion trend.

I say if we can’t make deadly viruses fun, well then, we’re simply not trying hard enough.

Now, let’s talk coffins . . .