Star-crossed

It’s rather a slow day today. Let’s check the local paper and see what my horoscope has to say. Won’t that be fun? Let’s see . . . Gemini . . . Gemini . . . Ah! Here we are.

This is an excellent day to initiate something related to your home, a real estate

situation, or your family. Whatever you begin will have a promising future.

Hmm . . . that’s certainly encouraging. Still, I feel unsettled somehow. I supposed I must confess to a small degree of skepticism. It’s not that I doubt newspaper astrologers’ ability to predict with astounding accuracy the exact nature of the day to come based on my birth date. It’s just that I can’t think of anything I’d like to begin with regard to my home, real estate, or family; the status quo in all three areas suits me just fine. I hesitate to declare this information bogus, but . . . well, maybe this one was written by an apprentice newspaper astrologer. Let’s head onto the internet and check with other sources.

This next one tells me that . . .

A romantic connection could be heating up [Oh, dear. Mrs. Curmudgeon isn’t going to

like that one bit.], but you may need to slow down and weigh out your options. If you're

in need of a pick me up, engaging in a creative idea or doing something fun with friends

will help.

Well, that’s good advice for anyone, isn’t it? If you need a pick-me-up, do something fun. That’s like saying “If you’re hungry, eating food will take that hunger away.” Not to cast aspersions, but I’m not sure these folks have dug deep enough. Let’s try another.

The moon in fellow air sign Libra finds you confronting important issues in your social life

[like my impending infidelity of which I was until this morning unaware?], but your focus

turns to your to-do list as the moon enters Scorpio, pushing you to get your schedule organized.

So I’m going to be organizing my schedule? This seems to suggest a very different kind of activity than the ones I was previously led to believe I'd be engaging in. And yet, here’s another:

Today is a day geared more to the expenditure of physical than mental energy. Why not

go for a long run in the morning, then follow it with the list of chores that has been piling

up? If you set your mind to it, today you will be able to accomplish many of them. You

work hard and think hard on most days. It can be healthy and immensely gratifying to do

some basic, physical work.

My goodness, it sounds like I’m going to have a busy day. That certainly wasn’t my plan. Perhaps a site dedicated exclusively to astrology will yield results that are more on target. Ah, here we are: Astrology.com—now that sounds like a legitimate site where people know what they’re talking about. Let’s see . . .

Motivation is lacking in your life right now. [Oh dear. It’s going to be hard to begin that

real estate venture and that new affair, not to mention those many chores.] What you

really need is someone or something to light a fire under you! So, seek some stimulation.

Find a mentor, someone who has reached the goal that you want to reach. Find out if

they can help you get there, too. Their ego will definitely be stroked by your attention,

and the chances are good that they will be receptive to taking you under their wing.

Everyone needs some guidance to get to where they want to be.

That last bit about the mentor is certainly true, though I’m not sure the advice is specific to my sign and this date. In fact, I should think it would apply to anyone on any day. On we go to Horoscope.com.

Friends who are interested in psychic and metaphysical matters could contact you today,

Gemini. [I hope I can find the time to speak with them with all that’s going on.] You may

discuss a lot of fascinating material, which could alter your value system in a subtle but

profound way. Don't be surprised if you do more listening than talking on this occasion.

[Forgive me, Horoscope.com, but that would surprise me on any occasion.] It's important

to soak in as much as you can. Write it down if you think you'll forget it.

“Write it down if you think you’ll forget it”? That’s what Geminis should do today, is it? I’m sure Sunsigns.com will have something less generic. Let’s see . . .

Today’s skies are peaceable and pleasant, Gemini. The moon dances into beauty-loving

Libra this morning. The moon spends the day frolicking with lover Venus and expressive

Mercury, making for an ideal day to let yourself goof off, have a good time, and feel the love.

Goof off? Today? You’ve got to be kidding! I’m far too busy. Moving on. Hmm . . . I’m not sure this next one is so much an astrological prediction as a technique employed to great effect by manipulative supervisors, salespeople, cult members, and demonic spirits.

We all know someone who will only accept an idea if they believe it to be theirs. That’s

why, if we want them to do something, we need to be careful about how we ask them.

It’s as if a tiny seed must be planted in their mind that they must claim ownership of first.

To get somebody to finally see your point of view and do something in the way you need

it to be done, that tactic might be necessary.

And it is clear that whoever wrote this one doesn’t know me at all.

Today you are delighted by all the beautiful, kind people who come your way. Pleasant,

simple dealings with friends and neighbors bring you a gentle contentment that helps you

express yourself in a more natural, instinctive way. You may also be more attuned to how

much love is in your life, hiding in the smile of a grocery clerk or the sweet way a stranger

holds the door open for you. Turning your attention to incidental moments of beauty opens

your heart to the world.

Let's look at Astroyogi.com. This is absolutely my last attempt.

Today, the Moon in Virgo will not stop you from spending till [sic] to your heart’s desire.

Fortunately, your realistic and fine judgment will know exactly when to stop. After all,

you really do not want to be literally on the streets. [Spooky. How did they know?] One

of your biggest strength [sic], while controlling finances is that you can easily manage

shopping on a shoe-string budget too. Wearing something turquoise will bring luck,

indicate Astroyogi astrologers. 6 pm to 8 pm will be pleasant and you will enjoy the

company of a dear friend.

Well, now I’m more confused than ever about the kind of day I’m going to have. What’s more, I need to go change into something turquoise. I don’t believe I own anything turquoise.

Reading one’s horoscope is, I suppose, harmless—as harmless as reading the fortune from inside a fortune cookie or the answers at the bottom of Mattel’s Magic 8-Ball. In my household, we read them merely for entertainment, and laugh when, by pure coincidence, they contain something accurate.

And yet, it galls me that people are getting paid to write this clearly made-up daily nonsense, and that a number of these sites are also upselling the gullible with one-on-one consultations with alleged psychics, tarot card readers, even “India’s top astrologers.” In some cases, there are even “sacred” trinkets for sale.

There may indeed be something to astrology. (Believe it or not, even your cynical Curmudgeon accepts that possibility.) But the daily horoscopes in the newspaper and on most of these websites is to astrology what Naugahyde is to leather . . . in that it isn’t.

Well, off I go to organize my schedule, tackle household chores, find a mentor, find a mistress, do something with real estate, goof off, and discuss a lot of fascinating material. Wish me luck.